1-in-4.
People know that statistic of one out of four pregnancies ends in loss; yet, there are countless women out there who have suffered a loss, making it appear that the statistic is wrong. Unfortunately, that statistic isn’t just referring to the number of women who suffer loss; it is referring to the number of pregnancies that end in loss. That means that 25% of overall pregnancies usually end in loss.
With an average of 24,000 stillbirths each year, there are thousands of men and women who silently suffer and grieve their loss. While people don’t mind speaking of loss when it involves someone older, there seems to be a stigma around talking about infertility and infant loss. People aren’t entirely sure of how to approach the topic with the grieving family and usually avoid mentioning it because of the discomfort it creates.
One young mother who has suffered loss, Taylor Skinner, understands how uncomfortable it can be for others, but she also knows just how important it is to be able to speak about loss and be heard.
“Talking about pregnancy and infant loss can be uncomfortable for others; however, it’s just as uncomfortable for the mother or father of the loss because the whole time, they are wondering if the other person is uncomfortable or okay,” stated Taylor. “It’s also uncomfortable for them to hear about how amazing a pregnancy is going or went. That doesn’t mean we don’t want to hear about it because, trust me, we want to cheer you on and pray for you. It just means that no one thinks twice about talking about their pregnancy
when it goes great. It should be the same for a person who has gone through loss.”
Knowing this, she can also see that society needs to change the status quo involving talking about loss so that others can be helped.
“It shouldn’t have to happen to us for it to matter to us,” declared Taylor. “I say countless times, ‘Before it was me, I wish I knew this.’ Let’s be a society that does know. Let’s open the conversation up and educate ourselves so that we can help those around us.”
While people understand how terrible loss is, most don’t understand just how much it really changes things.
“My biggest thing I wish people knew about loss is that it changes everything. It changes you, your spouse, your home, your marriage, your family, etc.,” explained Taylor. “It also teaches you what’s really important. It teaches you to be so grateful for every milestone in pregnancy and with your future child. It teaches you to be grateful for the morning sickness and the swelling. You go from a mindset of ‘this is just pregnancy’ to a mindset of ‘what a blessing this is.’ You’ll hold on to every single second and moment because you know that it’s a gift. You’ll document every moment in case it’s taken away. It gives you a different outlook on life itself and how precious it really is.”
After experiencing her loss, Taylor wanted to be able to honor her son and help other women at the same time. She started up a group that would let other women who have experienced loss be able to share their stories and show that they are not alone.
“She is Me, I Am Her started as a blog in 2019 after the loss of my little boy at 36 weeks. I wrote it in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, which is October. A year later, I officially launched the official group for She is Me, I Am Her. I wanted to give women a place to connect and to come together and know they were not alone. I wanted to give them their safe have,” expressed Taylor. “This past year, my vision for it changed. I took some time back to heal from my loss and to see exactly what the vision the Lord had for it was. It’s been such a blessing to start and be a part of. It’s brought many new women into my life. Their stories are beautiful. It has given me such peace to know that my Z has so many new friends in Heaven. I look forward to the day that I can meet them all and hear about their fun times. She is Me, I Am Her gave me that connection. That’s what I want to be able to do for other women.”
While she is able to empathize with the many women who have suffered a loss at some point, Taylor knows that not everyone has had that experience or knows exactly how to respond to those who have suffered loss. Many people in the South use the manners they have been brought up with, and they are unknowingly inconsiderate of mothers who have experienced loss before. That is one of the things that makes the conversations involving loss so uncomfortable. That is why she offers some suggestions for everyone so that no one is unintentionally inconsiderate:
1. Do not say, “I am so sorry for your loss” and leave it there. This usually makes the person who has had the loss instantly reply with, “It’s okay.” It isn’t okay; nothing about it is okay, and to have to say that it’s okay is hard. Instead, try saying “I am so sorry for you loss. I know it isn’t okay. Can I pray for you? Can I bring you something? Do you need me to do anything?” This will let you acknowledge that it isn’t okay and save them from that response, and it lets them know you’re there to help.
2. Ask them about their baby. Talk about the baby. First and foremost, always ask if they are comfortable with it. Most of the time, you’ll probably see them have a small smile while saying “yes.” This is because while the world has moved on, theirs is still stuck in one place. The biggest fear you have when you’ve lost your child is if that child will be forgotten. Someone asking about the baby or pregnancy experience makes it feel like the person not only remembered but acknowledged both the parent and the baby.
3. Being pregnant at the same time as someone who’s had a loss hits home for me. Before it happened to me, I didn’t know how to handle this correctly. What I would tell myself now if it happened is this: Go. Love. Them. It will be hard for them. They will look at your pregnancy and kid and always base what could have been off of you. However, there is a piece of them that finds joy in it. It is like they are getting to see what it could have been. As sad as it may make them, there is a small piece of joy that comes too.
4. Do NOT ask, “When are y’all having kids?” because you have no idea if they are facing infertility, loss, or simply aren’t ready yet. It’s a question that we should just remove from our vocabulary altogether.
5. Also, remove the question “Do you have any kids?” from our vocabulary, too. It’s about the same as asking when someone is going to have kids, but this time it brings up mixed emotions for the parents of loss. If they say yes, they have to discuss the loss they may or may not feel comfortable discussing. They will also have to more than likely follow it with a lot of “it’s okay” and awkwardness because that was the last thing the person who asked thought they would hear. If they say no, they will now walk around the rest of their day to month beating themselves up because they feel like they have lied about or hidden their baby.
No matter what, infant and pregnancy loss is a tragic event. It is important for society to become more educated and end the idea of discussing loss as being taboo. Instead, allow mothers to freely speak if they would like so that other mothers who are silently suffering can understand they are not alone and are seen and understood.
