As we go through National Infant Loss Awareness Month, The Clarke County Tribune would like to recognize a few of the families that have dealt with the loss of their babies, how it affected them, and how they overcome each day thereafter.
In 2017, Natalie Faucette and her family were more than excited to watch their family grow. Their two children at the time, London and Bella, had wanted a sibling, and Natalie and William decided they wanted another little one as well. By midyear, it appeared their dream was finally coming true.
“We already had two children at home, so there was a huge age gap. After going through a lot, my husband and I really felt like we wanted another child, even if there was a huge age gap. We found out we were expecting, and of course we were excited,” recalled Natalie. “We told London and Bella by giving them a gift, and we recorded them opening it. They had no idea what it was. We had the sonogram wrapped up in a little bag. We told them we were having a baby, and they were so excited. They were shocked but excited because they had been praying wholeheartedly for a brother or sister for at least a year. We took family pictures to break the news to everyone and then everything just went on as normal.”
By her second trimester, everyone was excited to learn if Baby Faucette would be a little boy or girl. They felt blessed to learn that they would be welcoming a new little boy into the family and decided on a name that held a strong meaning to them: Canaan David Faucette.
“When we went to find out the gender, we didn’t do a gender reveal because one of the kids was going to be really mad, and we didn’t want them to be that disappointed in front of family. We went to our appointment and found out it was a boy,” remembered Natalie. “We picked the name Canaan David. Canaan is very biblical, and I know the translation actually means sorrow, but I always relate it to the Promised Land. I thought of it as God was always there and He has a plan for us. David is my husband’s middle name and also my favorite bible character because David royally screwed up but God was still with him.”
While they were excited about Canaan, the family was also proud and joyful over a decision London had made. By October 15, 2017, they prepared to go to church and had no idea that worry would soon intermingle with their joy.
“At the beginning of October, London, our oldest child, had been asking a lot of questions and really thinking about what Christianity really is, and he asked Jesus to come into his heart. On October 15, 2017, we were on our way to church, 3S Cowboy Church in Enterprise. That was the day London was being baptized and making a profession of faith in front of our church,” explained Natalie. “All of our family was with us, and on our way to church I felt like I had some Braxton Hicks or just some type of tightening. It got my attention but wasn’t enough to worry or concern me because it was my third pregnancy and Braxton Hicks earlier on is normal. They continued, and I started to record what I thought were contractions on my phone so I could call labor and delivery after church and tell them what was going on. After church, the ladies of the church prayed over me because I was really concerned and worried.”
In the midst of her concern, one church member followed through with something that she felt the Lord wanted her to do. She wouldn’t have known at the time how much of a blessing that would be for Natalie by the end of the day.
“I was getting ready to call labor and delivery, and a lady in my church came up to me. She was gifted a pair of earrings from the church for something. She brought them to me and said, ‘I don’t know why I feel like you need these, but God wants me to give these to you.’ I didn’t really understand then that that was going to be a symbol, or a God wink, in the future,” stated Natalie. “I still have those earrings, and every time I see them I think of her little act of kindness, and that’s a little glimmer of hope for that day.”
At this point, Natalie and her family knew something was wrong and were rushing to get to the hospital; however, they still had hope that everything would be okay and that bedrest would be the worst case scenario.
“I called labor and delivery, and we flew to Meridian. We almost went to Jackson, but I was afraid that with whatever was going on that I wouldn’t make it to Jackson,” informed Natalie. “I’d never had any issues that I knew of in Meridian, so we went on to Rush. I got my husband to call my boss because I didn’t think I’d be coming back to work; I just knew I’d be on bedrest.”
Once they were in labor and delivery, they discovered just how dire the situation really was. The excitement they woke up to that morning suddenly turned grey as any parent’s worst fear happened.
“It wasn’t long after that when we realized that it was something more. They weren’t able to stop my labor. I was in preterm labor, and I was fully dilated. Canaan was in the birth canal, and there was no going back. I had to have a C section with him like with all my kids, but his little elbow kept getting in the way. When I came to, Canaan had passed away,” mourned Natalie. “Canaan David Faucette was born at 5:36 on October 15, 2017. He weighed 1.61 pounds, and he was so tall at 16.5 inches long. He lived for about 50 minutes. They said they tried to intubate him but that they didn’t have equipment that was small enough. He was loved on by my family. They got to see him when he was still alive.”
When she did wake up, life was completely different for her.
“I remember when I woke up that it was so surreal. I will never forget any of it, and sometimes I feel like it’s a blessing and a curse,” continued Natalie. “He was so perfect. He had a cute little button nose, the same nose on all our kids at home. Of course, I had to stay in the hospital overnight and the next day. I kept him with me as much as I could the whole time. My family was there and came and loved on me.”
Leaving the hospital was difficult. She had to do something that no mother ever wants to experience: leave without her baby. One family member was able to provide her with a little comfort and relieve her burden a little.
“My cousin, Joe Tew, is the director of Webb Funeral Home and contacted us and said that he was going to arrange everything for the funeral,” stated Natalie. “The day that I was discharged from the hospital, I remember I was going to have to leave him. That was the most excruciating thought that I’ve ever had. I know he wasn’t there and that just his body was, but leaving a child was horrible. I remember Joe telling me that it would be okay and that he was going to take Canaan with him and would make sure that he wasn’t alone. That meant a lot.”
As soon as they left the hospital, they had to go shopping for Canaan an outfit. While at the store, Natalie would make a purchase that would allow her the comfort of knowing that she and Canaan each share something with each other: a lamb. Later on, she had to experience the agony of saying her final goodbyes.
“My cousin had given me a lamb, and I put that lamb in with Canaan. Joe took Canaan to the funeral home to be prepared for his funeral. With hospital policy, they had to wheel me out of the hospital, and instead of toting the car seat in my lap with my baby, I had a box; I had an angel box. I still have that box, but I kind of hate that box because it’s what I took out of the hospital,” continued Natalie. “We went straight to the mall. We went to Dillard’s and got Canaan an outfit for a funeral. I found another lamb while I was at Dillard’s, and I kept that lamb with myself until the day of the funeral. On the day of the funeral, we went to Webb’s, and I gave Canaan that lamb and took the one that he had. I felt like he would have a piece of me, and I would have a piece of him. We had the funeral surrounded by family and a few friends.”
The small lamb isn’t the only thing that Natalie has to symbolize her sweet baby gone too soon; the hospital also gave her family rings to represent little Canaan.
“The hospital also gave us little rings. It’s just a symbol of a child that was lost,” explained Natalie. “I can’t remember who started it, but I think it was a nurse up there who lost her own child. She started giving little rings out. Canaan was buried with one around his wrist. I have one on a necklace, and my husband has one.”
After the funeral, she and her family have had to face a new reality. The reality of the situation is that it is not and never will be okay. Time may pass, but the love and grief still remain. The only peace she has found in the situation is through her faith.
“You think you can move on and move past it, and you don’t. That’s the story of his birth and death, but it’s like you hold them with you all the time: every birthday, every holiday, and everything you do, you never really move past what happened. You never forget. That was the biggest thing I was so scared about: that I would forget him where it would feel like he wasn’t here and wasn’t important, but he was,” proclaimed Natalie. “October 15 will be four years, and I still can’t talk about it without crying; I still can’t think about it without crying. It’s like everywhere has a memory, especially being in a small town, but you learn how to handle it better. You learn to think of the fact that I wasn’t able to hold him while he was alive, I wasn’t able to rock him to sleep, I wasn’t able to sing him his lullabies and hold him when he’s sick or care for him, but I also know that he’ll never have to experience sickness, pain, suffering, or heartbreak on this Earth. As much as I’d love to love on him, I know God is loving on him now. I truly do believe that Jesus was the one holding him instead of me being able to do it that day. That’s what gives me peace through all of it.”
Although his life was short, Canaan is still loved. Natalie and her family still celebrate and honor him each year. They don’t pretend that nothing happened because he is too important to brush aside, and he matters.
“We still celebrate him. October 15 is a day that my family always has something different depending on whatever we want to do as a family that day. We have a cake or cookies and just a family day,” expressed Natalie. “I always get him sunflowers because sunflowers remind me of him, and I’ll go and put flowers out on his grave. I allow myself to be really sad that day and allow myself to think about him more than normal. I also enjoy my family and hold my kids who are here a little tighter on that day.”
While it is impossible to get over such traumatic experiences, Natalie has found some ways to cope. She started doing counseling before returning to work as one way to work through the grief and pain she was feeling.
“Before I went back to work, I went to see a counselor myself. Being a school counselor, ethically you have to make sure that if you’re going through anything that it won’t interfere with you counseling other people. I went to see a talk therapist,” informed Natalie. “Counseling helped me a little while, but I felt like I was stuck while seeing the person I was seeing. Talking through things helps some people, but it didn’t help me as much. I have recently been seeing a trauma counselor who diagnosed me with PTSD from all of this. She has helped me a lot to work through some things that happened.”
Along with counseling, Natalie also turns to God for help. While she doesn’t always understand the purpose, she still finds comfort in being able to talk to God and remembering everything He has done to help her through it.
“Church has also been a big help with us. Talking to God about it helps. I talk to Him when I’m angry because I am still angry, and He knows it and still loves me. He still helps me work through all that,” declared Natalie. “I’m still sad and won’t ever understand why it happened, why it happened to me, why it happened to my son, or why it happened to my family. I do know that God has helped me through all of it.”
Although the experience has been difficult for her, she also knows how hard it has been on the others in her family, too. That is why she makes sure to allow her family to grieve in any way that they need.
“I let my kids talk about him. I don’t bring him up a lot because I don’t want to upset them, but sometimes they bring him up and I won’t stop it. I don’t ever squash that conversation,” said Natalie. “I let it go because my kids need to cope too. They need to get their feelings out. They need to cry, or they need to miss him or be angry or all of those things that are related to grief.”
After experiencing such an enormous loss, the family does what they can to honor Canaan. They give to different organizations as a tribute to Canaan. One of the organizations they have helped get donations for studies preterm labor and its causes in hopes of finding something to prevent others from facing the same situation. Hopefully, the donations will help Natalie and her family see more of the miracles that they experienced later on with the birth of their fourth child.
“A lot of time, I’ll give back to NICUs, mostly Jackson UMMC, in his memory. That helps me in lieu of not having a child to buy Christmas presents. You buy gifts in their name for other kids that helps micro-preemies like he was. I think that’s the biggest things that have helped us cope,” explained Natalie. “We also did the March of Dimes 5k in 2018. Quitman High School did it, and we partnered with different businesses across Clarke County. We raised over $5,000 for the March of Dimes. March of Dimes actually studies preterm labor and the causes of it. He was 23 weeks and six days. His due date was actually February 5. That is actually the day Callie Grace, our fourth child, was born. She was a micro-preemie as well. She was 23 weeks and three days. There were a lot of similarities, and we were very lucky and blessed to be at UMMC.”
While it will never be easy, Natalie and her family make it day by day. She holds the children still with her closely while holding Canaan close to her heart. She walks each day by faith.
